Heaven's Burning (1997) - By Mark Oswald

Russell Crowe is back in the Soda on the Roof blog with another obscure mid-90’s flick that’s got less action than No Way Back, but more production value and talent involved. So I guess that may even the two movies out. Personally I’d trade Crowe’s dumb Elvis-inspired hair-do for some more action and a little less pretentiousness, but hey, you can’t win them all.

Heaven’s Burning is an Australian production, but seems highly influenced by the films of Mr. Quentin Tarantino. It presents you with a series of bizarre but memorable characters in a serious situation, but filled with enough dark humor and sudden swells of violence to keep you on your toes. The story follows a young Japanese bride who ditches her husband on their honeymoon (it was an arranged marriage and the guy was sort of a douche, so it’s OK). Shortly after making her break, however, she winds up taken hostage in a failed bank robbery, where Crowe is the getaway driver. Things soon turn even more to shit when his crew wants to kill the girl, so Crowe makes a heroic stand and takes off with her in tow. The former bride is instantly taken with him and even though he initially tries to get of her, she wins him over and a connection forms between them. While on the run, Crowe and Co. are being hunted down by the gang he betrayed, the husband she left, and the police, who are looking for them both.

In case you were wondering, no, it’s not a coincidence that I’ve reviewed two obscure Russell Crowe movies within a month’s time. I got the sudden urge to catch up on some of his films that I’ve either never seen, saw a while ago and forgot about, or those that I am just hearing of now. I doubt I’ll be reviewing too many more of them on here, but you may get lucky, or unlucky, depending on your feelings towards the Aussie actor.

While we’re on the subject of all things RC, I feel the need to post a short exchange I had with a woman in the lobby of my office building several months back. Coming out of the adjacent Starbucks, I hear:

Woman: “You look just like Russell!”

Me: “Umm, Russell who?

Woman: “Crowe!”

Me: “Oh, uhh thank you, I think.”

Sorry, I just had to perpetuate my rugged manliness and its effect on others. End of story, consider yourselves titillated.

Compared to No Way Back, Heaven’s Burning is practically Oscar-bait, but otherwise, it’s nothing too earth-shattering. There are several good lines of dialogue and the acting is solid all around (Crowe gets to use his native accent for once). I sometimes had trouble buying into the love story portion of the film, though. It seemed like the Japanese ex-bride was really enamored with Crowe’s character, but I never really felt him giving off the same vibe. Maybe he was just playing it cool, you know? I guess he’s got to keep up his macho image to prove those muscles aren’t just for show. I also thought the ending was a tad over-dramatic. I mean looking at it in general terms, it’s pretty traumatic, but the way it’s carried out seemed a little much. All in all, it was an entertaining ride, though. I wouldn’t consider it required viewing or anything, but if you’re a big fan of the Russell, then I’d say give it a shot. After a while, you might not even notice his ridiculous side-burns anymore. Or maybe they’ll get you all hot and bothered. Probably not, though…

Body Count – 14

Bronson (2009) - By Mark Oswald

The UK’s most violent/famous prisoner gets his own movie, and it sure is a weird one. I guess since the real-life subject is still alive they can’t offer a conclusive ending, so that can sometimes affect how the rest of the movie plays out, which I think is the case here. Tom Hardy plays Charles Bronson; not the actual American actor/badass Charles Bronson, but rather adapts his moniker as more of a stage name to the persona he wishes to create for himself. Born as Michael Peterson, Bronson always felt destined for great notoriety and fame, and I guess that means if you don’t possess any of the more common talents like being a great musician, or actor, or architect, or mathematician, or whatever, then you could always just be a fucking asshole. That works too, apparently.

Bronson has earned a name for himself by being locked up in prison for over 34 years (30 in solitary) after initially being sentenced to only 7, for armed robbery. Once in prison he is constantly fighting with the guards and other inmates. He suffers beatings as awful as the ones he dishes out, but he seems to relish every violent experience. I guess you could call him crazy for all his acting out; he does in fact get sent to a mental institution for a portion of the film; but I thought to myself, “This guy must know exactly what he’s doing, or at least must have some idea”. It seems like at least a little planning goes into every outburst. Like after each intense beating, he uses his recuperation time to come up with another way to fuck with the guards and prison administration, but don't worry, I won’t spoil his brilliant little nuggets for any potential viewers here.

The film itself is almost Kubrickian in its still and tracking shots, with every piece of furniture and/or actor specifically placed to garner a particular effect. In fact I have heard a lot of comparisons to Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange. You do have a maniacal central character narrating his misdeeds while the film goes through his life almost episodically, so I can see the comparison, but I also think A Clockwork Orange has a more concise story. It introduces you to a character, shows you what he’s all about, and then it shows you what happens to him because of the way he chooses to live. Bronson, on the other hand, seems a bit more meandering. You’re never quite sure where it’s going to go, and the extensive use of classical music and steady shots of him standing around staring at something tend to wear out their welcome after a while.

With that being said, however, the film still manages to be quite entertaining. Bronson isn’t really a character to sympathize with, as much of one to be fascinated by. It’s like watching a wild animal at the zoo, except this one is prone to extreme spurts of violence and narcissism. Bronson just loves fucking with people as much as he can and he doesn’t even try to hide it. He takes hostages just for fun, without having any real demands in mind. When asked what he wants, he seems confused, asking, “What do you got?” I mean he’s in prison, and seems to enjoy it quite a bit and isn’t exactly in a hurry to get out, so what else does he really desire aside from the notoriety that comes with being a hostage-taker in the first place?

So the Bronson character might be self-indulgent and showcase kind of a “HEY LOOK AT ME! LOOK HOW FUCKING CRAZY I AM!!!!” mentality, but he can’t help but be amusing to watch; unless you’re drastically opposed to on-screen violence and sadistic behavior. All in all, I found it entertaining and worth watching for a balls-out performance from Tom Hardy, who really does deserve credit for giving his all here, even if the film itself seemed a little too self-aware and showy at times. I say check it out, though.


Body Count – 0 (surprisingly)

No Way Back (1996) - By Mark Oswald

An obscure mid-90’s Action movie starring Russell Crowe? And it’s not Virtuosity? Even more obscure, you say? Well get me on in there!

The truth is; this is a pretty weird movie. Story-wise it goes in several different directions that you probably weren’t expecting. What starts as an FBI thriller, switches to road movie, then to buddy movie, and then to silly movie. Visually, it looks like a glorified student film. Yet the filmmakers still managed to secure actors like the above-mentioned Crowe, Kelly Hu (The Tournament), recognizable “that guy” actor Michael Lerner, Francios Chau (Dr. Pierre Chang from “LOST”), and "90210"’s Ian-fucking-Ziering as a Skinhead gang leader! In case you are uncertain, yes; that is pure excitement you’re feeling. The son of Crowe’s character is played by Andrew J. Ferchland, who none of you probably know, but looked so damn familiar to me while watching that I swear he must’ve also been the young kid in like Stepmom or something; not that I’ve ever watched that, of course. Turns out it must have been The Last Leprechaun I was thinking of…

Take it eeeeeeeaaasy...

So how does this thing stack up as an action film? Well, not bad. There were several points where I was unsure about whether or not someone’s bullets actually made contact with an adversary, though. It wasn’t until I didn’t see that person again that I decided they must’ve been killed, and racked up one more point for the body count. There was one part of the movie that I found really funny/interesting. There is a point where Crowe’s character is transporting a high-ranking member of the Yakuza to L.A. on a plane and when the guy gets free and hijacks the plane, Crowe acquires one of those plastic 2-shot pistols, like John Malkovich made in In the Line of Fire, from a surprise bad guy onboard. Then while in the cockpit, the Yakuza dude ends up getting his hands on a flare gun! I gotta say this image of two badasses going head to head with plastic guns brought a big ol' smile to my face.

One of the main things I kept questioning during the film was why Russell Crowe had agreed to do it at all. I mean I liked the movie enough and I wouldn’t call it complete garbage or anything, but even though he hadn’t hit stardom yet, it still seemed like a pretty low-brow role to take. He had appeared in both Virtuosity and Sam Raimi’s The Quick and the Dead the year before and you’d think he would at least be moving up in the industry from there, so this role is a little perplexing. Still though, it’s always funny to see big name actors show up in B-movies before they really attained stardom. As a matter of fact, No Way Back’s director, Frank A. Cappello, had made his previous movie, American Yakuza, with none other than Viggo Mortensen in the lead! How this guy, who to this day has only directed 3 films, was able to snag these future superstars before their time is a mystery to me, but still strangely awesome as well. He did apparently write Suburban Commando, though. So maybe I shouldn’t be so astounded.

So should you check out this movie? Umm…sure; if for nothing else than your own curiosity and the fact that it may continuously shake up your expectations in amusing ways.


Body Count – 31

American Flags – 2 (Yeah sorry, that was a weak one)

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009) - By Mark Oswald

Nicolas Cage cranks the acting dial to eleven in a kind of, but not really, remake of Abel Ferrara’s 1992 film, Bad Lieutenant, which starred Harvey Keitel. The only real similarities between the films are the titles and the very general plot thread of, “Cop tries to solve heinous crime while getting extremely fucked up on various drugs and participating in several examples of lewd behavior in the process”. This film’s Director, the legendary Werner Herzog, claims to have never even seen Ferrara’s original film and it seems pretty apparent that no one was going out of their way to remake the umm…magic of that first movie. This one is more like a companion piece, or another chapter in a possible Bad Lieutenant Anthology? In which case, sign me up for more! Here it’s a different town, different Lieutenant, and different types of “bad” going on. Things never get quite as disturbing as they do in the ’92 film, and Cage’s hijinx are a lot easier to laugh along with, but that still doesn’t mean this is the type of guy you’d want patrolling your streets everyday.

Or is it? The thing that I found so, well…not admirable (but something like that) about the title character is that he just can’t help being a successful police officer. At the beginning of the movie, he seems like he may be kind of an asshole, but at the same time, he risks ruining his expensive underwear by jumping into a flooding prison cell to rescue a trapped inmate in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, so you can tell that he does not contain a callous disregard for human life like his partner (Val Kilmer), who advises him to leave the guy down there. Cage’s character actually gets a medal for his heroics, but what he also gets is a back injury sustained by his jump into the flooding area that is set to cause him intense pain for the rest of his life. In his effort to control the pain, the doctors prescribe him painkillers which unfortunately open a gateway to intense drug use and other unsavory activities.

The main thing I heard about this movie before watching it was that Nic Cage is fucking nuts in it. After viewing the film myself, I can tell you that this is, without a doubt, a factual statement. The actor gets a lot of crap these days for slumming through paycheck roles (National Treasure) and sporting bizarre hairdos (Bangkok Dangerous) and these are all viable criticisms but in The Bad Lieutenant, he is completely in the zone; his eyes, so focused and intense, that you could envision him exploding at any second; figuratively or otherwise. He looks like an absolute mess of a human being, slopping around town in an oversized suit with a .44 Magnum sticking nonchalantly out of the front of his pants. He’s constantly sweating and his voice pattern seems to change up every other scene, perhaps depending on his character’s level of sobriety, but it’s all these things that make him, and the film itself, so watchable.

Director Herzog is known for asking a lot of his cast and crew. He had Christian Bale eating maggots in Rescue Dawn, and his film crew pulling a steam ship over a mountain in Fitzcarraldo. It seems he hasn’t lost any of his tact with age; still able to display his own, ever-evolving visual style, while pulling solid performances from all of his actors at the same time. Speaking of actors, this film is chock full of them! And there are some you may even recognize! As previously stated, Val Kilmer shows up playing a sleazy fellow police officer. Then you’ve got Eva Mendes in a solid turn as Cage’s junky/prostitute girlfriend, Brad Dourif (voice of Chucky, the killer doll) playing Cage’s bookie, Fairuza Balk (The Craft, The Waterboy) as a highway patrolman, Xzibit (“Pimp My Ride”, Gridiron Gang) as a big-time drug dealer, Jennifer Coolidge (Stifler’s Mom) as Cage’s Dad’s young(er) wife, and Cage’s Dad himself happens to be Marvin The Janitor, from Die Hard 2!!! (Tom Bower)

Now I have to offer up another Non-Action Disclaimer (NAD? Ehh...) like I did at the end of my review for The International. Before you check this baby out (and you should), I don’t want you to be confused into thinking this is an action film or anything. Yes, Cage’s character is a Lieutenant like John McClane, and yes he is “bad” like umm…Michael Jackson? But he is in no way an action hero of any kind, and even the term “hero” is used beyond loosely. So what do you get instead of shootouts, explosions, and witty one-liners? Well you get to see a strung out mess of a character that provides more than enough entertainment by just standing around, wacked out of his skull, yet still able to get his job done in spite of himself…and in fact, there are actually some pretty good one-liners in this thing, so you shouldn’t be disappointed.


Body Count – 3 (on screen) 5 (off)

Cameos by scaled creatures – 7 (Although I’m not sure if some of these were the same reptiles in more than one scene. Sorry if that sounds racist…I couldn’t tell!!!)

NINJA (2009) - by Mark Oswald

Good news, friends. The Direct-to-Video Action renaissance continues with another joint venture by DTV auteur Isaac Florentine and rising martial arts badass, and Soda on the Roof favorite, Scott Adkins. I’ve previously mentioned these guys in my reviews for Michal Jai White’s Blood and Bone and The Tournament. White co-starred with Adkins in Florentine’s Undisputed II: Last Man Standing, where Adkins played the Russian villain, Uri Boyka. In Ninja, however, he gets promoted to hero duty with the character of Casey, a white orphan who is raised in a Japanese dojo where the sensei teaches his students the honorable ways of the ninja. When his rival at the dojo, Masazuka, is banished and eventually comes back for revenge, Casey is tasked with transporting “The Yoroi Bitsu”, a chest containing antique weapons and tools of the original ninjas, to America where it can be properly hidden, because Americans are good at hiding things, I guess.

Ninja creep

You see, this box of weapons is apparently the most prized possession a ninja of this dojo can ever hope to attain, and can only do so by being named Sensei, of which both Casey and Masazuka were in the running for until Masazuka loses his shit during a wooden sword fight and goes after Casey with a real one. I really liked the end of this scene because when the Sensei banishes Masazuka from the dojo for his actions, the guy doesn’t just storm off in anger. Instead, he is truly heartbroken by his banishment. He breaks down and begs for forgiveness, but his pleas go unheard. This actually sets up Masazuka as a really solid villain. The character is given a surprising amount of emotional weight considering the depth usually given to Action movie villains; which is to say, not much.

The character of Casey is unfortunately not as fleshed out. We do get a little back story about his mother leaving him at the dojo and his father committing suicide, though. I mentioned in my review of The Tournament, how the British Adkins rarely seems to be cast as an Englishman. He’s played Russians in the aforementioned The Tournament and Undisputed II, while playing an American in Florentine’s The Shepherd: Border Patrol. Well the streak of non-British characters remains unbroken here. Adkins does a commendable job of hiding his native accent, but like a lot of European actors playing Americans, he comes off a little stiff at times. That isn’t to say he gives a bad performance though. His acting is several steps above a younger Van Damme and Lundgren, and he is much better at portraying a wider range of emotions than Seagal ever was. His natural charisma makes him likeable enough in the hero role, but he has even admitted himself in an interview on his message board that he feels more comfortable portraying characters with an edge, rather than the clean-cut hero type he plays here, which is easy to see in comparison to his other, bad guy roles. Even if he couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag, though, his talent in the martial arts makes the fight scenes remarkable. His forte is being able to more convincingly take on numerous attackers at once, rather than in a lot of fight films where they seem to attack one at a time.

As a whole, this movie is essentially an 80’s Action flick set in the modern age. Aside from the whole white ninja thing which was done to death in 80’s flicks like American Ninja, Enter the Ninja, etc., when the action shifts to New York City (clearly not really NY, but they get an A for effort, or A-ffort?) they seem to view it still as dirty old 80’s New York at times. When Casey and his Sensei’s daughter, Namiko, are trying to find a hotel, the one they walk into is run-down, filthy, and clearly used by rich business men for a little “side action”, if you know what I mean. I could’ve sworn I was watching an old Walter Hill production, not a movie that came out less than a year ago. Also, when Casey is captured by the police, the camera pans around the precinct where there are numerous cops walking flashy hookers around in handcuffs. This is a classic 80’s Action staple, seen in films like Beverly Hills Cop, Robocop, and other films that may or may not have “Cop” in the title. Let us also not forget the hilariously evil rich white guy and cult leader who has been hiring Masazuka to assassinate anyone who’s been going up against his oil business. I couldn’t help but smile every time this guy recited his lines with the subtlety of a battering ram.

Well, there you have it. Ninja is a solid throwback to 80’s Action flicks in more way than one. My only real complaint was the abundance of CGI blood that kept creeping in during a lot of the very gory ninja kills. But aside from that and a couple other instances of budget restriction, this movie was a lot of fun; a streamlined old school Action flick with great fight scenes shot so you can actually tell what is going on. Since Florentine is a former martial artist himself, he likes to make sure that his talented fighters aren’t short-changed by an abundance of quick cuts. I have to also appreciate the classic “Whoosh” sound effects whenever the characters make any dramatic movements; classic. So I proclaim this another success in the Florentine/Adkins cinematic arsenal, and I’ve already got my eyes set on Undisputed III: Redemption. Let’s do this…

Body Count – 54

Scenes where you feel the Sensei’s daughter should be a better fighter - 5

Black Dynamite (2009) - By Mark Oswald

 

Now here we have a clever and a highly entertaining spoof of 1970’s era Blaxploitation films. Martial artist Michael Jai White breaks into a whole new repertoire with a hilarious cinematic character, whose film acts as a spoof, satire, and all-round enjoyable action comedy based on films from the 1970’s that typically starred actors like Jim Brown and Fred “The Hammer” Williamson. You’ll probably remember I mentioned Mr. Jai White in my review of his equally (but differently) impressive fight film, Blood and Bone. I also name dropped his other neo-action classic, Undisputed II: Last Man Standing in that same review. With Black Dynamite he very successfully completes a trifecta of awesomeness that any self-respected ass kicker could be proud of.

Is it possible to pay homage to a genre of film while also making a competent and enjoyable example of it at the same time? Well yes, it is. It’s been done before, too, and you don’t even have to go too far back to find them. Director Edgar Wright’s one-two punch of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz were both immensely enjoyable genre films that knew exactly how to poke fun at the clichés that have bombarded Zombie and Buddy Cop films since their inception, while reigning in the satire to a level that allowed the films to take themselves just seriously enough to actually make you care about the characters portrayed therein. Let’s also not forget about the highly underappreciated Galaxy Quest, which was not only a funny and clever send up of the "Star Trek" phenomenon, but a sincere and heart-filled one as well.

Black Dynamite works for the very same reasons that these other films do. It’s made by people who understand and respect the Blaxploitation genre, while also recognizing that it holds a veritable goldmine of satire. In the Special Features section of the DVD, the filmmakers talk about how a lot of actual Blaxploitation films are in reality, kind of boring outside of the classic individual scenes that they are remembered for. So with Black Dynamite, they wanted to basically cut out all of the filler that would normally accompany those types of movies, and go straight for the gold, so to speak. And speaking of cutting out the filler; the running time here is only 84 minutes, so they certainly don’t leave any time to waste on slow ass bullshit...or whatever.

Now admittedly, Blaxploitation has never been an area of expertise for me, but I am familiar enough with the genre to appreciate what was going on. When it comes down to it, I think the reason this film worked so well (for me, at least) was because of all the more modern (or post-modern?) humor thrown in as well. It allowed the film to escape its own mould and elevate to a level that would appeal to fans of good comedy as well as true purists of the genre who no doubt will probably pick up on about 100 more sprinkles of Blaxploitation references that I missed. I know this because in the Making-of Featurette, they give off a lot of examples, which I’m sure will help me to enjoy the film even more the next time I watch it; and let me tell you…

There will be a next time.


Body Count – 56

Donuts Killed in the Name of Righteousness – 1

Samurai Cop on Suite101.com

Hello again!

I got another review up on Suite101 that I wanted to share with everyone. It's for the trash classic, Samurai Cop. Yes, you're right. That totally sounds like a movie I would review on this blog, but I figured I'd give Suite101 a taste of the weird as well.

Go please go read my review by clicking here, or the link off to the right! And as always, DO NOT forget to click on all the add links on the page afterward, so I can earn a few extra green backs!

- Mark Oswald

My Bullitt Review Posted at Suite101.com

Hello all,

I've just posted my review of the Steve McQueen classic, BULLITT, over at Suite101.com. Go check it out by clicking here or over to the right!

Thanks!

- Mark

A New Endeavor

Hello everyone,

I must appologize for the lower number of reviews I've been doing lately, but I've recently begun reviewing films for Suite101.com, as well as this wonderful blog you are visiting now. There, I am writing about movies that I feel have aquired certain reputations since their releases. My mission is to see whether or not the film lives up to the reputation it has earned. I have began posting links to these articles at the top of the Soda on the Roof sidebar, located to the right of this entry, here. So I ask you to please check out those aritcles and don't be afraid to click on the respective advertisements located on their pages, for I gain a certain amount of monetary income depending on who visits these sites from my articles.

Also, fear not, I will continue to be writing about all things badass on Soda on the Roof, for the action film is where my heart truly lies.


Your's with respect and gratitude,
Mark Oswald

The Tournament (2009) - By Mark Oswald

24 hours, 30 assassins, and 346 explosions (rough estimate); sadly this is not what my upcoming weekend has in store for me, but rather it’s a loose rundown of a newish Direct-to-Video gem called The Tournament. This is another instant DTV action classic that, like Blood and Bone and Undisputed II, caught my attention via the Internet. Man, what an invention the Internet is; did you know you can find information on just about every movie ever made on this thing? It’s wild, I’m telling you. God Bless Al Gore! Creator of the Internet and savior of our planet!

If ever there were a film to singularly exemplify the term, “non-stop action”, it could be this one. While I’m not ready to give it said title just yet, it’s definitely a contender. The premise is that every seven years a competition (The Tournament) is held in a random city, wherein 30 of the world’s top assassins proceed to kill each other off until there is only one standing. The winner is then given a large cash prize and declared “World’s Greatest Assassin”, at least for seven years. Then they’ll have to compete again in order retain their title. Each player has a tracking device surgically implanted in them before they begin so that they can all be tracked by each other on the iphone-like devices that have been provided for them. For us at home, it’s basically like watching a full-scale multiplayer videogame, with real people instead of animated characters.

The Devil's got his sights on you, Father...

At the beginning of The Tournament, the head honcho, Powers, who is in charge of everything gives an ultra cheesy speech to the underworld slime balls who will be making bets on which assassins they think will win. He only highlights 5 of the 30, so you don’t have to think too hard about, “Oh I wonder which ones will be the last ones standing! I mean he only showed us these five, but there could always be a wild card contestant who could come from behind and win it all, right?” Wrong. I wonder what the non-highlighted contestants would think about not being mentioned like this. Do you think they would just realize, “Ahh fuck, they didn’t show any footage of my past assassinations, caught on tape because this organization obviously has thousands of secret video cameras all over the world, so I must not have a chance”, or would they try to defy the odds? Well this movie isn’t that deep, so I won’t even pretend to tell you that they thought of anything like that.

Who you callin' eye candy?

The main stars of the film are veteran screen tough guy Ving Rhames, the winner of the previous Tournament, back again because he heard one of this year’s players killed his pregnant wife; Martial artist/actor Kelly Hu (X2, The Scorpion King), who wants to win enough money to get out of the killing business for good; and Robert Carlyle (Trainspotting, Ravenous) as an alcoholic priest/non-assassin who accidentally ingests one of the tracking bugs that another player cut out of them and threw into a coffee pot. He and Hu team up when she realizes what happened to him and takes pity because of how fucked up his situation is. So that’s the main crew, but there’s also appearances from former LOST star, Ian Somerhalder, playing a psychotic Texan killer as opposed to the pretty boy he played on the aforementioned TV show; Sebastien Foucan, the free-running bad guy from the beginning of Casino Royale, and one of the creators of Parkour; and last but certainly not least, my boy Scott Adkins (Undisputed II, The Shepherd) makes an appearance as well, albeit a shorter one. This guy is from England but for some reason i've only seen him play Russians or Americans. I think it'd be great if he could use his native accent in a movie because in real life he sounds so proper and dignified, like he would invite you over for some tea, but then kick your ass for spilling it on his new rug.

Who's callin' Boone a pussy?!?!

As you can tell from above, the movie was able to put together a pretty solid cast, and even better than that is fact that it was able to secure itself a surprisingly big budget for a DTV action movie. It’s because of the budget that the movie works so well. It looks a lot better than the average DTV production and the action/gore does not hold back whatsoever. Without the money that was thrown into this thing, it might not have worked so well. You see, this may be an action-packed movie, but it sure as hell isn’t the brightest one. There are several oversights in logic that you’ll need to just go with in order to enjoy this thing. Like, why would any assassin actually take part in The Tournament anyways? Odds are they’re not going to make it out alive, so why don’t they just stay out of it altogether and continue to be a high-paid killer, as well as a living one? I mean they have to be making some serious dough in their normal line of work, so why would any of them partake in this nightmare if money was the only motivator? There had better be a damn good reason if you ask me; more than just the arrogance of wanting to be the best.

When the hell do I get to play an English character??

Well all that aside, this movie still kicks a lot of ass and if you’re willing to look past those little leaps in logic, odds are you’ll be having a great time taking in all the mayhem. Especially since there are so many “Oh Shit” moments sprinkled throughout that you’ll likely forget what you were questioning in the first place.


Body Count – 42 + 1 dog

Times one assassin is about to kill another but is interrupted at the last second – 9

Times someone says, “The Tournament” – Sadly, only 4

C'mon Poster, you know it's every SEVEN years...