Puppet Master (1989) - By Mark Oswald

So when I was a young warthog, I used to enjoy sifting through a lot of the old horror franchises; the more sequels the better. Although I never made it all the way through the Sleepaway Camp, Silent Night Deadly Night, and Hellraiser movies, I did enjoy my adventures through the collections of Friday the 13th, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Child’s Play, Candyman, and even fucking Trancers, but there was always one that held an oddly distinct place in my heart, and that was the films of the Puppet Master anthology. To this day, there are apparently nine of them with a tenth on the way. In my mind though, the real franchise stopped at five. I used to re-watch these films constantly. Well actually I only re-watched numbers three through five constantly. I remember the first two leaving me totally confused for some reason. Maybe they’d make more sense now; but I’d have to catch up with them to know for sure.

Oh wait! I did just catch up with them! Well the first one anyway! I actually just moved into a new apartment with my girlfriend and my DVDs have yet to be unpacked (I do have a couple in my collection that have still gone unseen), so I decided to take a gander at the good ol’ Netflix Watch Instantly. I of course started with the action section, but didn’t find anything immediately appealing, so I switched it up and decided to take a look at what the horror picks had to offer me. If you can believe it, I ALMOST decided to watch Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. The sure-to-be epic battle of two groups of Full Moon Pictures’ most terrifying little killers; but then I spotted the first Puppet Master and nostalgia won out over morbid curiosity. I wanted to see if this movie made any god damn sense now that I was older and (marginally) wiser.

The answer; yes, the movie makes perfect sense… well at least within its own world of movie logic. The film begins at the Bodega Bay Inn in 1939, where elderly puppet maker, Andre Toulan (William Hickey from Christmas Vacation and The Jerky Boys movie), is working lovingly on his latest creation. Painting the new marionette’s face with care and telling it how beautiful it is. There is another puppet sitting on his window sill, who appears to move around all by himself, acting as a lookout; but a lookout for what? It turns out that Toulan is being hunted by Nazi spies or something in big black trench coats and hats. They are clearly there to kill him, but he stumps their efforts by offing himself before they bust down his door. Don’t worry about the puppets though; he hid them behind a wall of his room. The film really doesn’t give you too much more info on the reasoning behind these Nazi fellows coming after him, but if you’ve seen Puppet Master III, a prequel; it actually makes a lot more sense.

The story really gets going when it skips forward to “present day” (1989) where the oddest-looking bunch of psychic friends this side of the circus tent (think the older friends from IT) are summoned to the Bodega Bay Inn by the psychic energy of Neil Gallagher, a former colleague of theirs who, unbeknownst to them, has just died. This dude had been searching for the apparently famous secrets of Andre Toulan that deal with using Egyptian magic to bring life to inanimate objects. It is important to know, also, that when you bring something to life, its energy or life force reflects that of the life-bringer. So when Toulan gave them life, they were kind, loyal, and mostly non-threatening, but when they are brought back to life 50 years later by this asshole Gallagher, they aren’t so non-threatening anymore.

So the psychics all go to the Inn, which is huge by the way and should really be reclassified as a hotel, they begin getting picked off one by one by these murderous little bastards in ways that reflect each puppet’s special ability. The puppets, as characters, are made up of a tough guy puppet name Pin Head, who has a large body but tiny head; Leach Woman, a female puppet who can manifest leaches within herself and cause them to come out of her mouth; Tunneler, who is dressed in a army uniform but has a drill on the top of his head; Jester, a puppet that spins his face around to change his expression; and finally there is the leader, Blade, with a knife for one hand, a hook for the other, and spikes that protrude through his otherwise vacant eye sockets. It’s interesting to note that Blade’s appearance seems to mimic those of the Nazi spies who were after Toulan at the beginning of the film. This is another nice little detail that is explained in the aforementioned third chapter of the series. It also may be of interest to note that none of these puppet’s names are given in the film and I only know them because I am a nerd who remembers way too much about these films, even without revisiting them.

Soooo hot

As a film, there is a lot of time spent on the build up and other attempts at creating tension. This is normally an admirable aspect of a horror film, but in this one, we’ve already seen most of these puppets earlier in the movie, and so there is really no interest in waiting for a Jaws-like reveal to happen later on. Probably the biggest problem with the movie, though, is the human characters. They are just so unrelatable that you want them to be killed off so that more screen time can be devoted to the puppets, who manage to somehow have more personality. Also, the fact that they do little to defend themselves against the puppet attacks became very annoying. I mean seriously, don’t just sit there and scream! It’s a fucking puppet, not Leatherface! You can just grab the thing and throw it out a window! The “hero”, I guess, of the humans is Alex; a chubby dude whose hairstyle resembles a falcon’s nest. He doesn’t really do too much except be nice and then get beaten up by the surprise bad guy later on; a true savior.

I wasn’t all that excited while watching this movie, aside from some of the weirder elements that gave me a good laugh now and again, but my favorite part definitely came towards the end. There is a point where the main villain, and controller of the puppets, is getting a little too big for his britches or whatever, and starts abusing the jester puppet. He picks it up, manhandles it a bit, and then throws it down onto a chair to demonstrate his power; big mistake. You see, these puppets may be loyal to their master, but they are even more loyal to each other. You fuck with one and the rest will come after your ass with a vengeance. So I think it goes without saying that Alex, our wimpy knight in shining armor, doesn’t have to do a lot anyways, in terms of vanquishing evil. Another thing I liked with this movie was that the puppets were brought to life (cinematically) with a mix of actual puppetry skills and stop motion, which is a dated, but honorable form of seemingly giving life to the inanimate. I think the Egyptians would be proud of our American stop motion trickery. I mean I’m sure they’d still feel superior because they use real magic, but what the hell, we’d probably get some props all the same.

I’ll have to find some time to re-watch the rest of these Puppet Master films in the near future and see how they hold up; especially the ones I was fonder of. Then maybe I’ll try and catch the later ones I haven’t seen yet, like Retro Puppet Master, and the other one about their epic battle with the Demonic Toys. Boy, the things I do so that you guys don’t have to.

Body Count - 6
 
 

Silent Rage (1982) - by Mark Oswald

 

Here’s something you don’t see every day: a low budget slasher-movie mixed with an even lower budget Chuck Norris action vehicle.

When a clandestine psychopath (wearing a fully-buttoned collared shirt so you know he’s crazy) finally wigs out and kills two people in their suburban home in Texas, local Sherriff, Dan Stevens is called to the scene to deal with the perpetrator. After some of the most poorly choreographed fight scenes I’ve ever seen in a film…of any kind, the killer ends up being shot multiple times by Dan’s fellow officers. It’s then that he’s taken to the local hospital that coincidentally doubles for a research facility…and placed under the care of three doctors. One is Dr. Tom Halman, a level-headed guy played by Timecop villain Ron Silver, who seems to have everyone’s best interests at heart when he makes the decision to let the killer die of his wounds, rather than be subjected to an experimental formula devised by his creepy associates. One that, according to them, could possibly save the man’s life, though the side effects would be completely unpredictable. If the good doctor’s orders had been properly followed we probably wouldn’t be talking about this film right now, so it’s pretty obvious that once Halman leaves the room, the remaining doctors, Spires and Vaughn, decide to administer the formula anyway. 

What happens next is just really a shock to everyone (unless they read the film’s description on the DVD case or online somewhere). The killer, awkwardly played by Brian Libby, gains a Wolverine-like or The Crow-like ability to heal himself after being injured. I have to say that the practical effect they use to show the healing process is one of the more admirable things about the film. So I will give the filmmakers points for that one. What I will NOT give them points for are the ridiculously obvious ways they rip-off John Carpenter’s Halloween. From the P.O.V. shot walking into the house, grabbing a knife, etc. at the beginning to placing bodies around the house to surprise his next supposed victim. They’re all here once again for you to enjoy, only in a far inferior movie.

So what do you think?

One thing that surprised me though, was the relationship between Chuck and his girl. They start the film bickering, due to their previous failed relationship, but when things get going again between them, they really seem to be into each other, like convincingly. They have a surprisingly good chemistry, which I normally wouldn’t expect between Chuck and anyone outside of his pet Armadillo from Invasion U.S.A. The two of them even spend a whole day just having sex and nibbling off this fruit & cheese plate that always seems to be nearby. I do have to mention that Chuck’s character, Dan Stevens, has a big “Texas-sized” belt buckle sporting a huge “S” in the center. As corny as this is, I also found it to be a nice little personal touch to help any Norris fans to distinguish Stevens from Walker, Texas Ranger. Because aside from the belt buckle, his outfit is damn near identical. Oh, and I guess since he has a full beard in Walker and only a mustache in this one, that they are totally different characters. Another excellent personal touch!

So what do YOU think?

There is a great bar fight in the middle of the film where Chuck’s partner/comic relief, played by Steven Furst, leaves him to “call for backup.” Even though any self-respecting Norris fan knows that he needs no help in defeating an entire bar full of unruly bikers. The fighting here is slightly better choreographed than that abominatiuon in the first scene. Or maybe there’s just more going on to distract your eyes. This scene is a lot of fun and I really wished the movie had featured more like it (Chuck kicks a guy in the face roughly seven times before the dude hits the floor). If there had been, it probably would have been more entertaining all around. You see, there are several “stalking” scenes where the Michael Myers-esque Libby slowly follows his victims around in the dark. I don’t understand why sometimes he is moving at a literal snail’s pace, and then all of a sudden he’ll burst into action and go after people like his life depended on it. Needless to say, the majority of these scenes aren’t all that exciting since there really isnt’t any tension, probably because of Libby’s general goofiness.

Also, I just have to mention the part where Libby gets dragged by a car through grassy terrain. It’s clearly somebody really getting dragged here, which always these types of stunts more exciting to watch. Finally, I’m not really giving anything away, but the final battle between Chuck and Libby could almost rival They Live in its awkwardness and extreme length. Then again, I did say “almost.” Another plus is Ron Silver. He’s a good actor and I’m surprised he hasn’t had more high-profile work. He sort of gives the film some legitimacy here and there. Also, he’s looking kind of like Al Pacino in Serpico in this one, which is obviously a plus. And come to think of it, I’ll be damned if he hasn’t aged in the time between this film (1982) and Timecop (1994). Good genes, I guess.

Local Roadkill BBQ was a bad choice...

Well I think overall this movie is definitely worth a look, if only for its own oddities. “Michael Myers” vs. Chuck Norris? Sign me up.

Body Count – 10

Number of times Halloween is ripped off – 7 (at least)

This came up in the "Silent Rage" Google search...?

Ghoulies II (1987)

I was taking a road trip a couple of years ago with my girlfriend, Sara, and we found ourselves in the small Cape Cod town of Sandwich Massachusetts. We were looking for a place to get some snacks and stopped at a convenience store which was luckily right next to a video rental store. It was a sad sight in there, like most rental stores these days. There were far too many copies of new releases and only one person inside, the owner. We browsed around to see if they were selling anything (they are usually good places to get used DVDs for cheap) and discovered an entire rack jammed with VHS tapes for $1 each. We decided we would each get five. Among my picks were Meatballs 2 + 3 (I almost picked up Meatballs 4 starring Corey Feldman) and Ghoulies II.

I first caught this movie on HBO when I was a kid. It was towards the end of the film and the only memory I had of it was the infamous “Ghoulie up the ass” scene.  The cover of the VHS copy I have shows the main Ghoulie popping out of the toilet bowl with another turd-like Ghoulie coming out of the toilet tank. The tagline is “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathroom.” This is far different from the cover of the first Ghoulies which shows just one Ghoulie coming out of a toilet with the tagline “They’ll get you in the end.”

For the newcomers to the Ghoulie series, the filmmakers decided to give us a nice intro to fill us in on these creatures. The film starts with a panicked man running through the woods being chased by what are either KKK members in red robes, or Satanic cult members. Either way, this man is far too sly for these goons and is able to lose them by ducking into a closed gas station. The cult members look in the window, but since the door is locked, they decide he must not be in there. What is in there though is an old gas station standard, a giant open barrel of smoking, bubbling toxic waste. Perfect for dumping a bag of Ghoulies into, which luckily this man has. The bag goes in, but shortly after, a window is broken by a rogue Ghoulie that looks like a flying stingray. The man is knocked into the waste and dies instantly. If he had only lived for another minute, he would have seen that the toxic waste has no affect on Ghoulies and that he died in vein.

The Ghoulies crawl out and get into an unlocked truck outside that is bound for the carnival. The truck is driven by our young stud of a hero, Larry played by Damon Martin. Larry is accompanied by his Uncle Ned played by Royal Dano. Ned is an aging magician whose only trick seems to be turning alcohol into urine. Now, from this point forward there is a lot of talk of magic, but don’t worry, you’ll never see any performed.

The Carnival has just been taken over by P. Hardin, a no-bullshit businessman more suited for a Wall Street job than a carnival owner. He's in it for the money of course and is ready to shut down any act that doesn't start pulling in some serious cash. These carnies have just one weekend to get their acts together. The act voted most likely to be shut down is Larry and Ned's house of horribles, Satan's Den. It's not scary and looks more like a run down museum. How will they ever get people to come? Enter our unlikely heros, the Ghoulies.

That's right, the Ghoulies are here to save the day. How will they make a difference? Well, how about they kill a couple people and see how that goes over? Well, it goes over great. People think that the Ghoulies are part of the show and tell all their friends how cool Satan's Den is. Thanks Ghoulies, looks like Satan's Den wont be shut down after all.

 The Ghoulies continue to somehow capture people (they don't look very strong or hard to get away from) including, Uncle Ned! While pounding the booze, Ned discovers the Ghoulies and thinks he's conjured them up from Hell and it's time he sends them back where they came from. Luckily he finds a book in a box of props that tells him exactly how to do it.

 

Unfortunately these creatures are too clever and attack him. He gets cut in the neck by the bat (stingray) Ghoulie and stabbed through the chest with a switchblade by the cat Ghoulie. I know I thought he was done for, but luckily the knife just went through a deck of cards in his shirt pocket. “I’m a magician, you can’t kill me”, at least not yet. He first manages to draw a pentagram with his own blood and recite some of the spell to send the Ghoulies to Hell, but is stopped short when he gets electrocuted. The local police arrive on the scene and find dead Uncle Ned and declare it “a tragic accident”. They don’t comment on the switchblade or the bloody pentagram..

There is a love story here too with Larry and a belly dancer, Nicole, played by Kerry Remsen. Hardin is into her too and I don't think it's her looks. Maybe it’s her secret tightrope walking past that makes her appealing. That’s right, she’s a former tightrope walker, but it’s a secret. She says she just wants to make enough money to get out of this place. I don't blame her. I wanted to get out of there too. 

The movie drags at points, but never for very long, it's only 89 minutes, so it at least wont take up too much of your time. The problem is that the characters are all just kind of dumb. That is except for the Ghoulies, who you end up rooting for. They are ugly little bastards and definitely Gremlins knockoffs, but they coo like babies and have the potential to be funny. They just needed more screen time. They really should have made a sequel to this where, I don't know, maybe they go to college? Oh wait...

Out of the bowl...and totally out of control!