The Tournament (2009) - By Mark Oswald

24 hours, 30 assassins, and 346 explosions (rough estimate); sadly this is not what my upcoming weekend has in store for me, but rather it’s a loose rundown of a newish Direct-to-Video gem called The Tournament. This is another instant DTV action classic that, like Blood and Bone and Undisputed II, caught my attention via the Internet. Man, what an invention the Internet is; did you know you can find information on just about every movie ever made on this thing? It’s wild, I’m telling you. God Bless Al Gore! Creator of the Internet and savior of our planet!

If ever there were a film to singularly exemplify the term, “non-stop action”, it could be this one. While I’m not ready to give it said title just yet, it’s definitely a contender. The premise is that every seven years a competition (The Tournament) is held in a random city, wherein 30 of the world’s top assassins proceed to kill each other off until there is only one standing. The winner is then given a large cash prize and declared “World’s Greatest Assassin”, at least for seven years. Then they’ll have to compete again in order retain their title. Each player has a tracking device surgically implanted in them before they begin so that they can all be tracked by each other on the iphone-like devices that have been provided for them. For us at home, it’s basically like watching a full-scale multiplayer videogame, with real people instead of animated characters.

The Devil's got his sights on you, Father...

At the beginning of The Tournament, the head honcho, Powers, who is in charge of everything gives an ultra cheesy speech to the underworld slime balls who will be making bets on which assassins they think will win. He only highlights 5 of the 30, so you don’t have to think too hard about, “Oh I wonder which ones will be the last ones standing! I mean he only showed us these five, but there could always be a wild card contestant who could come from behind and win it all, right?” Wrong. I wonder what the non-highlighted contestants would think about not being mentioned like this. Do you think they would just realize, “Ahh fuck, they didn’t show any footage of my past assassinations, caught on tape because this organization obviously has thousands of secret video cameras all over the world, so I must not have a chance”, or would they try to defy the odds? Well this movie isn’t that deep, so I won’t even pretend to tell you that they thought of anything like that.

Who you callin' eye candy?

The main stars of the film are veteran screen tough guy Ving Rhames, the winner of the previous Tournament, back again because he heard one of this year’s players killed his pregnant wife; Martial artist/actor Kelly Hu (X2, The Scorpion King), who wants to win enough money to get out of the killing business for good; and Robert Carlyle (Trainspotting, Ravenous) as an alcoholic priest/non-assassin who accidentally ingests one of the tracking bugs that another player cut out of them and threw into a coffee pot. He and Hu team up when she realizes what happened to him and takes pity because of how fucked up his situation is. So that’s the main crew, but there’s also appearances from former LOST star, Ian Somerhalder, playing a psychotic Texan killer as opposed to the pretty boy he played on the aforementioned TV show; Sebastien Foucan, the free-running bad guy from the beginning of Casino Royale, and one of the creators of Parkour; and last but certainly not least, my boy Scott Adkins (Undisputed II, The Shepherd) makes an appearance as well, albeit a shorter one. This guy is from England but for some reason i've only seen him play Russians or Americans. I think it'd be great if he could use his native accent in a movie because in real life he sounds so proper and dignified, like he would invite you over for some tea, but then kick your ass for spilling it on his new rug.

Who's callin' Boone a pussy?!?!

As you can tell from above, the movie was able to put together a pretty solid cast, and even better than that is fact that it was able to secure itself a surprisingly big budget for a DTV action movie. It’s because of the budget that the movie works so well. It looks a lot better than the average DTV production and the action/gore does not hold back whatsoever. Without the money that was thrown into this thing, it might not have worked so well. You see, this may be an action-packed movie, but it sure as hell isn’t the brightest one. There are several oversights in logic that you’ll need to just go with in order to enjoy this thing. Like, why would any assassin actually take part in The Tournament anyways? Odds are they’re not going to make it out alive, so why don’t they just stay out of it altogether and continue to be a high-paid killer, as well as a living one? I mean they have to be making some serious dough in their normal line of work, so why would any of them partake in this nightmare if money was the only motivator? There had better be a damn good reason if you ask me; more than just the arrogance of wanting to be the best.

When the hell do I get to play an English character??

Well all that aside, this movie still kicks a lot of ass and if you’re willing to look past those little leaps in logic, odds are you’ll be having a great time taking in all the mayhem. Especially since there are so many “Oh Shit” moments sprinkled throughout that you’ll likely forget what you were questioning in the first place.


Body Count – 42 + 1 dog

Times one assassin is about to kill another but is interrupted at the last second – 9

Times someone says, “The Tournament” – Sadly, only 4

C'mon Poster, you know it's every SEVEN years...

The International (2009) - By Mark Oswald

Ok, story time again…A few years ago I was touring the good ole’ US of A with my band at the time, and we had arrived in Ventura, CA to play this music festival we performed at the year before. While we were in town, our guitarist told us that his uncle, an actor, wanted to take us out to breakfast one day. “Who is your uncle,” we asked. “Jack McGee”, he responded. Once we realized who that was, we were pretty fucking stoked!

McGee upholding the law (right)

For those of you not in the know, Jack McGee is a respected “that guy” actor (i.e. - someone who pops up in movies all the time, causing you to go, “Hey, it’s that guy!”). You may not know their name, but you can always rely on them to perform valiantly in a supporting role. For example, if you’ve seen Scrooged, Lethal Weapon 2, Born on the Fourth of July, The Doors, Backdraft, Basic Instinct, Lethal Weapon 3 (Director’s Cut), Miracle on 34th Street (Remake), Jury Duty, Showgirls, The Quest, Jungle 2 Jungle, Breakdown, The Prophecy 3, Coyote Ugly, Thirteen Days, Legally Blonde 2, Crash, 21, a certain episode of Seinfeld, or the first couple seasons of Rescue Me, then you’re sure to recognize Jack McGee. So when he met us outside our hotel, I was, needless to say, pretty excited. Long story short, he was awesome, and one thing he mentioned was that he was about to fly out somewhere to start shooting a movie called The International with Clive Owen. I made a mental note of that at the time, but totally forgot until he popped up about halfway through this movie.

Moving on to the film itself…The International is a political/big business thriller that almost seems like it should’ve come out in the late 90’s. Clive Owen plays Louis Salinger, an Interpol agent who’s hot on the trail of an evil bank. Yes you read that right; an evil bank. I don’t mean “evil” like they’re a bunch of devil worshiping sadists or anything, but they’re a lot worse than JP Morgan Chase charging you double the fee for using a non-Chase ATM. Anyway, if I remember correctly they were brokering weapons deals between a European mafia syndicate and foreign military powers…or something. I don’t know; this was a complicated ride. There were a lot of intense exchanges of dialogue about this bank and their underhanded dealings.

I suppose that before I go any further, I feel I should mention that even though I’m reviewing this film, and I have a tendency to review Action films, this is not really an Action film. It does contain ONE very cool Action SCENE within its 118 minute running time, but a violent free-for-all, this is not. Clive Owen does get to exercise some legitimate badassitude, though. For one, he looks like shit. He hasn’t been sleeping much lately and his appearance is kind of sloppy. These traits, as you know, are genuine badass characteristics. He doesn’t carry a gun, but he knows how to use one from his time on the London police force, and fortunately for us, he does not hesitate grabbing the weapons of others and jumping into action when needed. What I’m trying to say is that he’s not the ridiculous cartoon hero that he played in Shoot ‘Em up. Think more Children of Men instead.

Wife of Sabertooth, Naomi Watts, is also in this but she doesn’t do anything particularly badass, so I’ll end that train of thought before it begins.

Cool tough guy walk #817

One thing I found really interesting is that the filmmakers were always shooting around these elaborate structures, both natural and man-made, in most of the outdoor scenes. They almost became a character of their own, and gave the film a certain feel of complexity; and complexity defines this movie quite well. As I mentioned, Owen’s character here is not the same as in Shoot ‘Em Up, just as The International’s plotline is not nearly as simplistic. All I can say is that if you choose to watch this movie, make sure you’re sober and that it isn’t too late at night, because if you stop paying attention for even a few seconds, you may completely lose track of what is going on.

So are you a fan of complicated political thrillers, high on intrigue and discourse, but low on action? Maybe you’re someone who used to love action movies, but now you feel that you’ve “outgrown” them? Well first of all, you can suck it…second of all, you may like this movie. I thought it was pretty good.


Body Count – 14

Times I slapped myself into paying more attention – At least 5

Chato's Land (1972) - by Mark Oswald

Alright, quick back story here…I discovered this one while searching through Charles Bronson movies on Netflix to add to my Queue. Shortly after adding it, I found it at a Blockbuster Video that was going out of business in my home town of Nashua, NH. It was $3.99. I purchased it. The End. Good story. Thank you.

Bronson's Land

Chato’s Land, directed by Bronson’s Death Wish 1 – 3 helmer, Michael Winner, turned out to be more interesting than I had originally expected. From the descriptions I had read, it seemed to be about a half-breed Apache named Pardon Chato (Charles Bronson) who killed an asshole town sheriff in self-defense and then escaped only to be hunted through the desert by a posse, thrown together when word of the killing got out. There’s a lot more going on in this story, though.

One of the first things I noticed is that Bronson’s character doesn’t even get the majority of the screen time here. He only speaks a few lines of dialogue in English, with the rest being in Apache (no subtitles either). Most of the scenes and dialogue belong to the gang that’s after him; lead by Quincy Whitmore (Jack Palance), a former Captain in the Confederate Army. At first I thought this character was going to be a slightly psychotic killer-type with delusions of the Civil War still raging on, which I deduced when he pulled out his old military uniform immediately after being informed of the situation. It could’ve also been because he was played by Jack Palance, but who knows. In truth though, he is the most level-headed of the bunch, and seems to be leading the mission in order to regain some of his pride lost after the Union’s victory of the war. He is a bit of a sad character, but intelligent and noble. You can clearly see his disgust towards some of the other members of the posse as the film goes on. His men are a motley crew of cowboys, some looking to avenge a death, others wanting to quench their thirst for bloodshed.

As the films goes on, we see the deterioration of these characters caused by such an arduous journey through some seriously rough territory; “The Badlands” as they call it. We get glimpses as to the evil that men can do when pushed too far by the elements as well as their supposed prey. I say “supposed” because let’s face it; their hunting Charles Bronson, as a half Apache, expert survivalist, and total all-around badass. He constantly gets the upper hand on them; setting false trails, draining their already-dwindling water supply, and taking shots at them in the middle of the night, just so they know he’s still around. Things are going pretty well for him until the posse comes upon his home and attack it in a way that won’t surprise you if you’re familiar with some of the other Bronson/Winner pictures. Needless to say that after this, Chato is done fucking around with these men and things get real serious. You can tell because he ditches his normal white-man clothes in favor of a loin cloth and head band; the uniform of a serious man.

Chuck = Ripped

The final section of the movie reminded me of a more methodically paced version of when Stallone goes hunting for evil Vietnamese soldiers after they kill his woman in Rambo: First Blood Part II. Except this is all made more interesting here by the fact that it is done over a longer period of time, as the men are continuing to turn on each other while also being picked off one by one. I found it interesting that as their stress levels escalate through the film, you start to realize that maybe the guys you didn’t think were so bad in the beginning, are really the worst of all when pushed to the limit.

"Don't make fun of my headband"

I’d definitely recommend this to fans of Bronson, as well as any fans of the Western genre. It’s not the all-out action fest like some of the other films I’ve covered in this blog, but it’s definitely a lot more interesting. There’s a lot of good noble/deep cowboy talk in this thing as well, which I always love to hear. So in closing, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite bits of dialogue from Palance’s character to his men when talking about their surroundings, their adversary, and their situation in general.

“To you this is so much bad land - rock, scrub, desert, and then more rock. A hard land that the sun has sucked all the good out of. You can't farm it and you can't carve it out and call it your own... so you damn it to hell and it all looks the same. That's our way. To The Breed (Chato), now, it's his land. He don't expect it to give him much and he don't force it none. And to him, it's almost human - a living thing. And it will give him a good place to make his fight against us.”


Body Count - 12

Blood and Bone (2009) - by Mark Oswald

"I want you to tell every mother fucker behind these walls, that if they get the notion to fuck with me—don’t."

What two things do the following films have in common?

Spawn
Universal Soldier: The Return
Exit Wounds

Give up? Ok.

1 – They’re all pretty crappy action movies
2 – They all feature Actor/Martial Artist, Michael Jai White

Now this is not a dig at Mr. Jai White, but rather an example of how a truly talented ass-kicker can go from sub-standard junk like the aforementioned films above to the realm of top shelf awesomeness like Undisputed II: Last Man Standing and the subject of today’s column, Blood and Bone, in just over a decade. It might have something to do with the fact that before, he was playing smaller roles in other action stars' films (US: The Return and Exit Wounds), and he was bogged down by a terrible script and even worse CGI in Spawn. The good news though? All that is behind us now…

MJW vs. Adkins in Undisputed II

I had heard some really good things about Undisputed II, so despite having never seen the first one (which apparently doesn’t have much to do with its sequel anyways) I checked it out; and boy was I glad I did. It was a gritty, action-packed testosterone fest from beginning to end that wasn’t without a little bit of heart either. MJW was a charismatic and fun-to-watch lead who was sent to a Russian prison, only to butt heads with the equally impressive Scott Adkins, who played the institution’s top fighter. Adkins is also making a nice little name for himself these days after playing smaller roles in The Bourne Ultimatum and Van-Damme’s The Shepherd: Border Patrol, as well as filling in for Ryan Reynolds as Weapon XI in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. He’s got the film Ninja coming soon to DVD, as well as Undisputed III: Redemption shortly after that, where his character from the second is given the lead treatment.

But back to the topic at hand…Blood and Bone, like Undisputed II, features a plethora of rock solid ass beatings, the majority of which are delivered by MJW himself. He plays a character named Bone (hence the title) who is damn near untouchable in these fights. There’s even an impromptu shoot-out where he proves himself just as deadly with a gun as he is with his fists, which is pointed out by his Manager, Pinball, played by Dante Basco, or “Rufio” from Hook.

Bang-a-whaaaat?

There’s a lot to appreciate in this movie for fans of martial arts and action films. The camera work is not overly stylized or showy (i.e., you can actually tell what the hell is going on). The direction in general is fairly minimalistic. Most scenes are kept to just a few angles, which tells me that the director wanted to present people with an entertaining movie without flash getting in the way of telling the story. That last observation is also a good way to look at this entire film. Nothing contained within is more complicated than it needs to be. I could go into more detail, but I recommend watching it for yourself instead.

I also enjoyed the villain, James (Eamonn Walker), who was played as a reasonably complex character instead of a one-dimensional A-hole or cartoonish wacko. He doesn’t like swearing in his home, he is a seemingly well-educated lover of animals and classical art, and all he really wants is to get into the big leagues of the underground street fighting elite, populated by snobby old white guys who would rather keep him as a second tier gangster than except him as one of their brethren. So James would be a pretty stand-up character if not for the fact that underneath all his posturing and panache, he is truly a cold-blooded killer.

Six against one? Not a problem.

So I would definitely recommend this to old school action fans as well as anybody else looking for quality badass entertainment. It’s got an honorable lead, great fight scenes, a few interesting touches reminiscent of 70’s Blaxploitation films, and an ending that reminded me a little of Eastwood’s High Plains Drifter. Feel free to disagree however, that’s just the feeling I got. Now all I have to do is find myself a copy of MJW’s forthcoming Blaxploitation spoof, Black Dynamite, which Ben has told me is quite good.

Body Count – 9 (The lucky few)

Times MJW "destroys his enemy" – Any chance he gets.

Red Dawn (1984)

 An accurate portrayl of everything this movie has to offer

Red Dawn is a "What If" story about what it might have been like if America was invaded in the 1980's by Soviet, Cuban and Nicaraguan armies. I had never seen this movie and passed it up hundreds of times in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart, but when I saw it as a 2-pack with Navy Seals in the very same $5 bin, I had to get it. I even bought a copy for Mark as a late Christmas present (breaking our old tradition of buying eachother only edible gifts). I don't know why, but I never had enough interest in this movie to even read the description, so I had no idea what I was in for. And what was I in for? Maybe the most violent movie I've seen in my adult life (for some reason I saw some horribly violent movies as a kid... I came out alright though). The story focuses around a group of young high school kids (most importantly Charlie Sheen as Matt and C. Thomas Howell as Robert) and Patrick Swayze who plays Charlie Sheen's older brother, Jed. 

Not the Brat Pack

What I appreciated about this movie is that it didn't waste any time getting into the action. Jed drops off his little brother at school and before he can even get out of the parking lot, the Soviets have parachuted and opened fire on a history teacher, interrupting his foreshadowing lecture on the wars of Genghis Khan. The shit storm has started. The troops open fire on the unsuspecting kids and even fire rockets down the hallways. Amidst all the gunfire and confusion,  Matt and Robert are able to run fast to the parking lot where Jed is waiting to give them a ride in his pickup

They are lucky to escape town, which has been completely taken over by enemy troops, and make their getaway to the mountains where they will spend the next couple of months learning how to shoot guns and be men. And how exactly do you become a man? Well, for starters you could kill a deer and then drink its blood. That's what C. Thomas Howell does anyway. Matt and Jed apparently already did that when they were younger and hunted with their father, so they think that it's normal and that everyone should do it. Matt says, "Once you do that, there's going to be something different about you... always!" Well if that ain't the truth! He sure must have the "spirit of the deer" in him, because from this point on, he is a killing machine with no remorse (you know, like a deer). He'd rather wear the scalp of his dead enemies than ever be caught wearing his Star Wars hat with flipped up visor ever again. He honestly becomes too tough for his own good, but has a new sense of school pride when he starts yelling out "Wolverines" (his school's mascott) when he kills people. If school ever re-opens and they make a new sport that involves blowing shit up with rockets, he could totally be the captain.

"Wolverines!"

"A Wolverine!"

Towards the begining of the film, Jed says "It's World War Three down there", but we're not sure if it actually is WWIII until Powers Boothe comes parachuting in to confirm that yes, it is in fact World War Three down there. I'm pretty sure the only point of his character, who's name is Andy, is to give the viewer all the exposition that, up until this point, was missing. He describes how horriffic the war has been and how much of the country has been invaded, blah blah blah. He delivers his lines the same way he later does in Rapid Fire, like a hard boiled detective and much like in that movie, he makes it work. It's like Mark said to me the other day. "It's like he's just too grizzled and badass for reality." But maybe that's just the way he talks.

Everybody's dead!

So far I've mentioned two people that are pretty badass in this movie, C. Thomas Howell and Powers Boothe. Swayze doesn't quite reach the standards set by his fellow castmates even though at one point he does tell everyone to "Never cry again!", but then breaks his own rule by sneaking off into the woods to weep like a little girl. That's not to say that little girls can't be badasses though. Take Jennifer Grey for example. She's a small girl, but manages to be the toughest person in this movie by far. She doesn't say much, but she manages to blow up a tank and a building filled with soldiers. Who needs rockets when you can hand deliver bombs? She even takes a bullet from a helicopter like a champ.


The movie is a little dated based on the fact that the entire story hinges on the audience believing that the Soviets would invade the US. I was born the year this movie came out, so I barely lived in a world where there was a Soviet Union (they dissolved in 1991). All I know is that when I was second grade, our classes got new maps and people started calling it Russia. But even if it was a completely fictional idea that involved a made-up country, the idea of WWIII taking place in the United States is still terrifying. Apparently they are remaking this movie for a 2010 release and instead of the Cold War scare, they are using the terror of a Post 9/11 world. Shouldn't they change the title? I thought the "Red" part of Red Dawn was in reference to the color of the Soviet flag?

Best Quote: Jed and Matt's dad, Mr. Eckert, played by Harry Dean Stanton, yelling to his sons from behind a fence at the local Drive-In turned Prison Camp "Avenge Me!... AVENGE ME!!!

Body Count: Honestly there is no way to keep track of all of them. I tried, I really really tried, but even with pausing the movie and counting the piles of bodies I couldn't keep track. Here's what a 1984 article from the New York Times has to say:
"The National Coalition on Television Violence has condemned the summer hit ''Red Dawn'' as the most violent movie ever made. The fantasy about third-world troops invading a small Colorado town averages 134 acts of violence an hour..."

Point Blank Kills: Again, too many to count. Everyone does it though like it ain't no thang to shoot a guy in the face.

-by Ben Stumpf

Navy Seals (1990) - by Mark Oswald

Navy fuckin’ Seals, man.

These guys are out of control and truly outrageous judging by this 1990 action film by Cujo and Jewel of the Nile director, Lewis Teague. Okay, so maybe they’re just slightly outrageous, but the needle is tipped into the TK red zone by the antics of hot shot Charlie Sheen. Don’t believe me? You want proof? Well fine. His shenanigans include, but are not limited to, jumping out of a car and off a bridge on his way to a fellow Seal’s wedding, riding a bike after a tow truck that snatched his convertible for being parked on the green at a golf course, and then liberating it once he catches up. AND before any of this, he is introduced waking up on the beach, and he may or not have been wearing a Hawaiian shirt…like I said, out.rageous.

Dammit Sheen, what don't you get about "ALIENS reunion photo shoot"?!

I’ve heard about this movie for a while, and it had (in my head at least) been built up to a Road House level of entertainment. I’m sorry to say, that such perilous heights were not quite reached. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like it though. I actually found it to be a solid action movie that might as well have doubled for an actual Navy Seals recruitment campaign. I mean, if I had only this film to go on, I’d be signed up already. They look like they’re having a great freakin’ time! Drinking, shooting, jumping out of helicopters, scaring the shit out of commie left wing journalists, and my personal favorite, homoerotic golf montages set to “The Boys Are Back in Town.” Again, count me in! And don’t worry; I’ll bring the neon shorts. Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say there may be just a tad of embellishment going on.

Biehn says, "Stay frosty"

I mentioned Charlie Sheen before, but he’s technically not the “Lead” in this. That honor goes to the “Hero of the 80’s” himself, Michael Biehn. I’ve always loved this guy, probably due to his performances in The Terminator and Aliens, which were of course both directed by James Cameron. He also appeared in Cameron’s The Abyss, (but I didn’t see that till a few years ago). Sadly, outside of the 80’s his career didn’t quite blossom like he and I presumed it would (should). The only other things I’ve really seen him in have been supporting roles in Tombstone, The Rock, and more recently, the Planet Terror half of Rodriguez/Tarantino’s Grindhouse double feature, which he was awesome in. I loved his interaction which Jeff Fahey as his brother in that film, and I’d love to see a film based just around those two characters; great stuff. Going back to The Rock, though, his character in that film and Navy Seals could’ve been the same one for all I know, apart from having different names, of course. He was simply born to play these stern military badasses. Give him a gun and a com-link and he’s good to go. Other members of the team include Biehn’s Aliens co-star, Bill Paxton in a less jokey and less…um…big role, as the squad’s sniper, and Dennis Haysbert who you would all probably recognize as President David Palmer from 24, or at least those All State Insurance commercials (“Are you in good hands?”).

One thing I really liked about the final confrontation in this film is that I felt it had a real sense of danger to it. The Seal team was in enemy territory, outnumbered like you wouldn’t believe, having to run from cover to cover, and I really got the feeling that any of these characters could bite it at any time.

As I mentioned before though, the movie didn’t quite fill up the ridiculous cheese quota I had prematurely assigned to it. Maybe this was my fault, or maybe its reputation simply preceded it; regardless I enjoyed it as a solid bit of 80’s action cinema (And yes, I know it came out in 1990, but in terms of action movies, early 90’s is still technically late 80’s).

I’ve been informed by my Soda on the Roof cohort, Ben, that this film is not as good as Red Dawn, which he purchased along with this as one of those two movies in one case deals, but I have yet to see that one, so until then…stay tuned.


Body Count – 47

Lame Charlie Sheen one-liners – 17

Times Sheen is outrageous – 10 (Though I could’ve missed one…or 12, who knows; he’s crazy!)

Rapid Fire (1992)

Brandon Lee plays Jake Lo, a pissed off art student studying in L.A. The source of his anger? He watched his father get flattened by a tank in Tiananmen Square. The last thing he wants to talk about is what happened to his dad that night, so when he is asked by a fellow student to attend a Tiananmen benefit dinner to share his story and raise awareness of what happened there, he declines. It seems that all he wants to do is draw and maybe find a nice girl and it looks like things are going his way when the nude model from his drawing class asks him out on a date. When he goes to meet her that night, he realizes that this girl tricked him and he's actually at the Tiananmen benefit. What a bitch.

At the benefit Jake witnesses a murder and starts his long series of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. If ever there were a film genre "wrong place, wrong time" this movie would be the poster child. They even say it a few times. Anyway, the murder is committed by one of our two major villains, Tony Serrano (played by Nick Mancuso who plays a dirty DEA agent in Today You Die. Tony is an Italian American (they make this clear by showing him eating pasta constantly and saying things like "bada bing") The murder starts a war between him and his former friend Tommy, an Asian drug lord who refuses to give Tony a bigger cut of his heroin business.  Now Tony wants the witness, Jake, dead and the Feds want to bring Jake to Chicago, Tony's home base,  to help take Tony down.

 When I bought this movie, I had never seen it, but was wishing for a non stop action ride. Wish granted. The action is easy to come by and really well done. Brandon Lee is excellent in the fight scenes and not too bad when required to act. I especially like his relationship with ultra good cop Mace Ryan, played by Powers Boothe. Boothe delivers every line as if he were a 1930's hard boiled detective, but he makes it work. He's as tough as nails, but has a heart of gold and is more worried about getting the job done than his own health.

The film's tag line is "Unarmed And Extremely Dangerous", but this isn't entirely true. There are plenty of instances where Jake has either a gun or knife or metal rod, but something happens to him every time he uses one of these things. Jake seems to be disgusted by weapons and always throws them away after using them even when he needs them most (this is usually done in slow motion). Perhaps Jake prefers to fight hand-to-hand. We already know he is highly trained in martial arts as we are shown in the the slow motion fighting scene in the opening that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

Overall the movie is a lot of fun and the acting is decent all around. The plot isn't anything new, but the film makers at least do a decent job of making it somewhat logical, unlike most action movies I've watched recently. It has its cheesy moments and over the top scenes, but for me, those are things that make these kinds of movies so entertaining.

It's worth mentioning that this film, like Death Warrant (see Mark's review from 1/4/10) also features Al Leong. I never knew his name until Mark mentioned it, but I recognized him as that guy that was in some movie, or was it some other movie? Turns out he's both "some movie" and "some other movie" and about 100 others.

Included on the DVD is a short promo shot by Fox during the making of this movie that starts out introducing Brandon Lee as "The Action Hero of the 90's". Unfortunately Lee died soon after this during the making of "The Crow", but had he lived, he would definitely have been at least as big as Van Damme or Seagal and I would most likely be collecting his Direct to Video releases.

Body Count: 34

People who have been on "Lost": 2
Raymond J. Barry who played Ray Shephard (Jack's uncle) and  Francois Chau, who plays Dr. Pierre Chang aka Dr. Marvin Candle (Miles' dad)

References to Bruce Lee: 1
Boothe says to Lee "Why don't you take those Fists of Fury outside?"

-By Ben Stumpf

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

American Ninja (1985) - by Mark Oswald

Okay, so this is a movie about ninjas. Real Ninjas. Like the ones you grow up hearing about in books and movies, etc. but you know, realer. So automatically this movie has that in its corner. Plus, the ninjas in this film,(in addition to doing battle with martial arts, throwing stars, swords, boa staffs, and arrows), also come well-equipped with machine guns, flame throwers, and even a wrist laser at one point; Just as they speak of in the stories of old… This is some serious shit right here. On the other side of the ninja star, however, the filmmakers aren’t going to be held back in their pursuit of cinematic excellence, so yes this is a movie about ninjas, but definitely not those ancient, uber-traditional, super conformist ninjas. This movie is all about updating for the 20th century. So we also have an American Ninja in this thing, and as you may have guessed (probably not from the title or anything), the story revolves around him. Who is our titular American Ninja you ask? Well the character goes by the name of Private Joe Armstrong, the actor goes by Michael Dudikoff and kind of looks like a low-rent Warren Beatty.

I had always seen these copies of American Ninja and it’s four sequels in video stores when I was a kid cruising for that new action fix, but never went ahead with the rental. It was only within the last couple years that I had been hearing more and more about the first in the series from other like-minded souls across the Internet. So I took the plunge, and the plunge was deep, and vast, and long, and…really about what you would expect from a movie called American Ninja. And what exactly would you expect? Well I don’t know what you did, but I expected cheesy awesomeness, and my friends, I got it. You see, this film comes from the production company known as Golan-Globus, a veritable Action treasure chest in the 80’s. They turned out some notable mayhem in the form of Death Wish II, Breakin’, Runaway Train, Missing in Action 3, Cyborg, Delta Force 2, and my personal favorite, Masters of the Universe; but that’s another review altogether.

Now with this being my only performance to base Dudikoff’s action chops on, I’ll start at the beginning. We are introduced to Joe almost immediately, coolly leaning on an army truck while flipping around a switchblade knife. He’s wearing military fatigues, so we know that he must be a soldier at the military base where half of the film takes place. There are other soldiers hanging out nearby, playing hacky sack. When their ball gets launched away from them, it of course lands right in front of Pvt. Armstrong. So what does Joe do? Kick it back to them? Pick it up and walk it over? Nope. He just keeps standing there flipping his knife. What an asshole! Nah, Joe just doesn’t like to get involved with things unless he has to. This involves but is not limited to picking up hacky sacks and fighting his fellow soldiers for bragging rights. All Joe really seems to enjoy doing is hanging around, not saying a word until he is needed…to kick ass. Fortunately for us, he does in fact kick a lot of ass in this movie. He’s one of the “shit magnets” you hear about so often in Badass Cinema. Another thing about Joe that you should know is that he’s lost his memory. He doesn’t remember why he knows how to kick ass, he just does it when called upon.

We find out later that as a child he was trained by a middle-aged Asian man in the ways of the ninja. Throughout the movie he has quick flash backs to his training sessions where he mastered the art of Ninjitsu while wearing a shirt, fashioned into a diaper as opposed to actual pants. Must help with the kicks. Seriously, I’ve never even seen Van Damme pull any of that shit. In the fight scenes, Dudikoff seems to handle himself reasonably well for the most part and he actually does do a lot of ninja-esque sneaking around, so they were really keeping the theme alive in this one.

Aside from the main man attraction, what else do we have going on around here? I have to mention the presence of Perennial Action Sidekick, Steve James. This guy is always a lot of fun to watch. He is 6’ 1”, jacked, and consistently over the top. He’s been a part of classics like The Warriors, Vigilante, The Delta Force, Avenging Force (also Starring Dudikoff), American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, Johnny Be Good, Hero and the Terror, I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt, McBain, and another of my personal favorites, Weekend at Bernies 2.

What about the villain, you ask? Well I gotta say I really don’t remember too much about him other than that he was an asshole and, according to my notes, talked as if he had a mouth full of Sour Patch Kids.

Well that about does it for American Ninja. This movie was a lot of cheesy action fun; Perfect for a night in with the guys, or a particularly cool girlfriend.


Body Count - 128 (roughly)

Number of times Dudikoff “jumps out of the way” - 9

Death Warrant (1990) - by Mark Oswald

In my recent quest to have the “definitive action movie collection”, I have become more open to revisiting titles that weren’t exactly my top picks when I had first seen them years before. In the special case of Mr. Van Damme, I have already paid a returning visit to his films, Sudden Death and Maximum Risk. Neither were my favorites by the Muscles from Brussels when I was growing up. I had always looked fonder upon the likes of Hard Target, Timecop, and Double Impact. But like I said, I’ve become more open minded while compiling my action movie library, and when I purchased and watched these films again, I found them both to be highly entertaining. Especially in the case of Sudden Death, which is probably now one of my JCVD favorites.

With Death Warrant, where Jean-Claude plays a cop who goes undercover in a prison to find out who’s been killing his fellow inmates, it was a similar case, however after viewing the film once again, my original opinion hasn’t shifted all that much. That opinion is that Death Warrant is a movie that, while not exactly “bad”, in terms of late 80’s/early 90’s action cinema, doesn’t really have much to offer either. I mean Van Damme is strutting around, kicking people in the face as usual, and the conspiracy story surrounding him isn’t that bad, but unfortunately the way it all plays out didn’t do much for me as a whole. I’m not going to spoil what the actual conspiracy is, but I’ll at least say that I didn’t see it coming, so good for them on that front. There are other good things going on in this movie too, so I don’t want to sound like I’m bashing it. For instance, any time in any JCVD movie, that the filmmakers actually acknowledge the fact that Van Damme was clearly born in a foreign country (in this one he’s from Quebec, Canada), I’m willing to tip my proverbial hat to them.

As far as the villain goes, he actually seems to be a pretty formidable opponent for Van-Damme. He is The Sandman, played by Patrick Kilpatrick (now there’s a name!). I knew that I recognized him from somewhere and it turns out that Van Damme is not the only action hero that he has faced off with. He took on Seagal in Under Siege 2, Schwarzenegger in Eraser, and Bruce Willis in Last Man Standing. In this one, he’s got the extreme creep-factor in his corner. He's also constantly blabbing about how he’s, “The Sandman, and you can’t kill the Sandman”, or something, and I have to say that in many instances he actually makes a pretty good case for himself. In their final battle, he seems to come out of nowhere to attack Van Damme. This clearly flusters our hero and gives us some cause for concern, which doesn’t always happen in these kinds of films. That brings me to another good thing the movie did for itself. It made you worry about Van Damme's character for a good portion of the movie. First of all, he’s a cop, in prison, where cops aren’t looked too fondly at  (see also, Tango & Cash). Then he pisses of the Hispanics, has to meet with the weirdo “mystical inmate” guy that they always have in prison movies, who lives in a different area than the general population. This guy ends up being an ally, but at first he just seems like a genuine whack-job. There’s also a part towards the end where he seems to be getting chased down a corridor by the entire prison population. Then he’s got to worry about the corrupt guards, who even after they find out he’s a cop, do nothing to help him because, you know, they’re dirty (as in crooked, not dirtayyy). So things are pretty well stacked against our hero, and you end up rooting for him all the more because of it.

As I said before, the movie wasn't all that satisfying for me. One thing is that the fights aren’t shot in a very realistic manner, or at very good angles where it actually looks like people are punching and kicking each other. There also isn’t really all that much action. The movie gets bogged down with the mysterious, “What’s happening to the inmates?” plot. Mystery plots in action movies are always a dangerous balance. The movies typically aren’t highbrow enough to spend the necessary time crafting a really solid whodunit. In Death Warrant, I know I said that the actual conspiracy turned out to be pretty good, but it just doesn’t play out in a way that’s especially interesting. Oddly enough, the story was written by Batman Begins and Blade scribe, David S. Goyer. I guess this explains the whole Sandman thing, which sort of sounds like a character that might show up in a Blade or Batman movie. Not Spiderman though. Not at all…

So in closing this out, I’d say that this film is primarily recommended to serious Van Damme fans, or fans of the ‘prison movie’ genre. For better examples of Van Dammage I’d recommend Sudden Death, Timecop, and most definitely The Muscles’ newest flick, JCVD, which I can honestly say was one of my very favorite movies of 2008. Truly a sight to be seen.

One more thing I have to mention, though, is the appearance of Al Leong, a familiar face to any respectable action movie fan. He’s had small parts in films including, but not limited to, Big Trouble in Little China, Lethal Weapon, Action Jackson, Die Hard (pictured), They Live, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, The Perfect Weapon, Rapid Fire, Army of One, Beverly Hills Cop 3, The Shadow, Double Dragon, Escape from L.A., The Replacement Killers, and Godzilla. I miss not seeing him pop up in random movies these days, always sporting the skullet and long goatee, and always ready to fight. I guess that his absence may be one of the true signs that The Golden Age of Action Cinema is truly behind us. Here’s hoping for a new renaissance though!

Body Count (including offscreen/implied) - 9

Times JCVD kicks someone in the face - 14 (He knows what the people come to see)