Navy Seals (1990) - by Mark Oswald

Navy fuckin’ Seals, man.

These guys are out of control and truly outrageous judging by this 1990 action film by Cujo and Jewel of the Nile director, Lewis Teague. Okay, so maybe they’re just slightly outrageous, but the needle is tipped into the TK red zone by the antics of hot shot Charlie Sheen. Don’t believe me? You want proof? Well fine. His shenanigans include, but are not limited to, jumping out of a car and off a bridge on his way to a fellow Seal’s wedding, riding a bike after a tow truck that snatched his convertible for being parked on the green at a golf course, and then liberating it once he catches up. AND before any of this, he is introduced waking up on the beach, and he may or not have been wearing a Hawaiian shirt…like I said, out.rageous.

Dammit Sheen, what don't you get about "ALIENS reunion photo shoot"?!

I’ve heard about this movie for a while, and it had (in my head at least) been built up to a Road House level of entertainment. I’m sorry to say, that such perilous heights were not quite reached. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like it though. I actually found it to be a solid action movie that might as well have doubled for an actual Navy Seals recruitment campaign. I mean, if I had only this film to go on, I’d be signed up already. They look like they’re having a great freakin’ time! Drinking, shooting, jumping out of helicopters, scaring the shit out of commie left wing journalists, and my personal favorite, homoerotic golf montages set to “The Boys Are Back in Town.” Again, count me in! And don’t worry; I’ll bring the neon shorts. Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say there may be just a tad of embellishment going on.

Biehn says, "Stay frosty"

I mentioned Charlie Sheen before, but he’s technically not the “Lead” in this. That honor goes to the “Hero of the 80’s” himself, Michael Biehn. I’ve always loved this guy, probably due to his performances in The Terminator and Aliens, which were of course both directed by James Cameron. He also appeared in Cameron’s The Abyss, (but I didn’t see that till a few years ago). Sadly, outside of the 80’s his career didn’t quite blossom like he and I presumed it would (should). The only other things I’ve really seen him in have been supporting roles in Tombstone, The Rock, and more recently, the Planet Terror half of Rodriguez/Tarantino’s Grindhouse double feature, which he was awesome in. I loved his interaction which Jeff Fahey as his brother in that film, and I’d love to see a film based just around those two characters; great stuff. Going back to The Rock, though, his character in that film and Navy Seals could’ve been the same one for all I know, apart from having different names, of course. He was simply born to play these stern military badasses. Give him a gun and a com-link and he’s good to go. Other members of the team include Biehn’s Aliens co-star, Bill Paxton in a less jokey and less…um…big role, as the squad’s sniper, and Dennis Haysbert who you would all probably recognize as President David Palmer from 24, or at least those All State Insurance commercials (“Are you in good hands?”).

One thing I really liked about the final confrontation in this film is that I felt it had a real sense of danger to it. The Seal team was in enemy territory, outnumbered like you wouldn’t believe, having to run from cover to cover, and I really got the feeling that any of these characters could bite it at any time.

As I mentioned before though, the movie didn’t quite fill up the ridiculous cheese quota I had prematurely assigned to it. Maybe this was my fault, or maybe its reputation simply preceded it; regardless I enjoyed it as a solid bit of 80’s action cinema (And yes, I know it came out in 1990, but in terms of action movies, early 90’s is still technically late 80’s).

I’ve been informed by my Soda on the Roof cohort, Ben, that this film is not as good as Red Dawn, which he purchased along with this as one of those two movies in one case deals, but I have yet to see that one, so until then…stay tuned.


Body Count – 47

Lame Charlie Sheen one-liners – 17

Times Sheen is outrageous – 10 (Though I could’ve missed one…or 12, who knows; he’s crazy!)